Ask Miss Gary: Issue 6 [End Date 6/23/2023]

Chronicles of the Wind post

Issue 6

Some birds and humans have a lot in common. There are some avian species that engage in these very elaborate song and dance rituals to try to attract females to their nests for mating. One false step or a sour note means the female loses interest, and flies off. Humans also strive for that sort of perfection when it comes to courtship, where there is so much anxiety about getting it all perfect that we can self-sabotage. It's a deranged sort of game, at times.

Even worse, we can lose track of why we were doing it all to begin with, or misjudge our own emotions and efforts being spent on a prospective lover.

Checkers with the Do

I was mulling over the question a lady wrote in with, where she describes a situation of having essentially been smitten at first sight by a man that asked her a question about an item she was holding. She writes that her instant reaction was to flee him, due to the intensity of the emotions she experienced, which included lust for his appearance and voice.

I admit to having been rude in my reverie. I was sitting on the side of a checkers board in the Nagnang outskirts, distracted with thought. The man I was playing the game with was patient enough, at least. The clack of an obsidian piece touching wood brought me back to reality, as did the subsequent clicks of a combination move. He'd crown his piece on my side of the board. It was my fault for not paying attention and allowing myself to lose that way, recklessly placing my pieces in that arrangement.

It was the first time he and I played together, and I didn't know his style of game. I assumed that because he's a gentle warrior-scholar sort, with a peaceful demeanor, that he'd be a defensive player. I was definitely incorrect. I had set up a sort of slap-shod offense that he took down in that humbling crescendo. I only cried a little, I swear.

Jokes aside, it does have a lesson that I can apply to the querent's situation.  

Instant crush?

Getting to know people is an art and science. It takes a commitment of time and energy to know someone's mind and heart. It can take days to decades, depending on the individuals involved.

The first step is the acknowledgment of attraction, which our writer already has admitted. But, the next step after that is when the hard part begins. You actually have to look past your own lust to further analysis the figure you're seeking to start a relationship with. Lust by itself is a superficial, skin-deep sort of attraction, and lacks the intellectual and interpersonal aspect that a relationship needs to succeed in the long-term.

The best way to begin this process is by simple communication. Say hello, ask him how his day was. Let it go organically from there. Walking (or running) away prevents any of this from happening. Even worse, running off might give the wrong idea to the person being left there.

Risks and rewards

As I kept putting my red pieces on the checkers board, the other player would respond in turn. I made the mistake of not using my foresight when placing one token down, and as a result, was punished by having it overtaken. Essentially, I should have been more observant and engaged in what I was doing, and my failure to do so was a disservice to my game partner, and to myself.

In this spirit, it reminds me of how difficult it can be to communicate with people, and want to bridge them emotionally. You might not be compatible, or you might make mistakes that ruin the chances. Perhaps, when you get past the aesthetically-pleasant  aspect of a person, their personality isn't enjoyable. The male bird did the mating dance perfectly, but the nest gives off an insecure vibe, so the female flees. These things happen.

In conclusion

As someone who is terminally single, I can definitely tell you relationships are hard. (At the time of this column, I've never even been on a date.) There's so many nuances you have to keep track of, and a misstep or two can definitely muddle things up. When it comes down to it, you have to be able to gauge the demeanor and patience of the figure you're seeing to partner with, and find out firsthand about your compatibility. Sometimes, it's more obvious. Sometimes, it takes a little more energy and time.

Just remember, there's more to a bird than his plumage and song. Don't make the mistake of addressing someone only for their physicality, and be prepared to nourish the entirety of the relationship.

Let's not forget our other entries

Aukti: Who keeps losing the Lost Mines?
Probably the Gods. 

Clarity: Guy has concerning hobbies, makes my stomach hurt, but seems nice?
Your subconscious and intuition is definitely telling you to stay away from him.

AquaSea: Is my future in a Subpath as a Warrior?
There are talented and patient guides in the Do, Chongun, and Barbarian Subpaths. Perhaps you should pick up a scroll and/or talk to a few of their path members to see which you'd be compatible with in personality and interests.

With love and sparkles,
Garamond "Miss Gary" Beatrix